Once upon a time I was a single person. Though it feels like a million years and a thousand miles only half of that is true. It was 1200 miles ago and mere 5 years. Where does the time go so quickly? I spent my youth, aside from going to school and work (but let’s face it, bar tending through college is not a job as much as another social situation), doing what I want when I wanted. I was over opinionated, smart aleck, and entitled as are the majority of kids in my generation. This also translates to Zero Filter, a condition that affects many people though the ones most affected are the ones around them. There was a time in my twenties that I actually went out and had, “I make no apologies for myself” tattooed on my back. It was fitting because I didn’t. I genuinely did not care-at all-what people thought of me or anything about me. I viewed it as their issue, not something to concern myself with.
Then I had a child…nay, a hyperactive, rambunctious, no-holds-barred toddler BOY.
Now I spend the vast majority of my time outside of my house apologizing for the things that Jp does. It may sound dramatic but it’s totally true. My beautiful, deeply sensitive soul of a child just is hardwired for mischief. In any and every form.
Case in point, yesterday my neighbors were outside. They are the most adorable couple you have ever met but they can’t have children so they “adopted” a Yorkshire Terrier. They love this dog more than life. It wears better clothes than I do, for goodness sakes. Jp immediately became excited when he saw the dog Bingo? Zippy? Zoomy? I can never remember because it had clothes on. In his little world, dogs do not wear clothes. Are you kidding me? I do enough laundry without throwing dog clothing into the mix! But I digress…so he is dying to go and pet the “puppy! puppy!”.
We walk over. He looks at the dog, then me, then the couple…then he kicks the dog.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa buddy! We don’t kick puppies. We love puppies. They are your friends so be nice.”, I am telling him, mortified that he did that. It was so unlike him, we have three dogs and he loves them.
He looks at the dog, then at me, then at the couple…then he kicks the dog square in the face.
At this point my neighbors are looking at me as though I taught him to assault tiny, cute, sweater-clad dogs. The apologies start flowing like champagne at a wedding. All while chastising Jp for being aggressive (which he never is, what was that?!) and practically running back across the street. Those neighbors will no longer wave with as much friendliness, I can tell you that.
It doesn’t stop there, either. Grocery stores, craft stores, therapies…I always have my handy, dandy bag of apologies with me. “I’m sorry my son ran smack into you”, “I’m sorry that my son is yelling and crying and you can’t hear yourself think”, “I am sorry that he…”, ect, ect, ect (King and I voice).
Where did the girl go that didn’t care?! I need her sometimes. The girl that would have thought, “He just bumped into your cart, get over it”. I miss her. I try and channel her sometimes during a particularly loud and obnoxious tantrum at the grocery store that is all my fault because I knew he had skipped a nap before I took him. Please stop caring, don’t apologize. Look forward and be strong. I listen deep inside for her voice…but she is officially gone. My ‘could care less’ attitude apparently died somewhere between conception and delivery. There is no going back.
In all honesty, part of me is glad. While she could be useful at times, I don’t think anyone liked that girl very much. 😉
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.