Jp @ 18 months helping me clean his potty.
While every mom that I know cannot wait to start potty training, I am dragging my feet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I enjoy changing diapers…it is a much more complicated emotion than that. I even found a training potty a year ago on sale and bought it, thinking at the time that I couldn’t wait until the time it was time to start the process of never having to empty another diaper genie (See above photo). Jp is starting to show signs of being “ready” now and I should be ecstatic at the prospect of never having to change an icky diaper again. So why am I not? Why does it feel so utterly bittersweet?
I have put a lot of thought into this and have come to this rather simple conclusion. Diapers are the last thing that make my baby…a baby still. I wanted Jp for so long and was even told I probably wouldn’t have children of my own but there he was, my tiny 4 lb. miracle. I chose to stay home to raise him so that I wouldn’t miss one day of his oh-so-short childhood. I was personally here for every milestone…the first time he crawled, rolled over, walked, said “Mamma”, and every other seemingly insignificant one in between. I have loved watching my son grow and mature and have thoroughly relished in each and every sweet moment but now I am starting to feel as though my baby is not a baby anymore.
He was a trooper about the pacy, just spit it out at 9 months and never looked back. We had a much harder time with the bottle-seeing it was the only way I could get milk into him I was reluctant to take it away-but even that he gave up on his own. One day I offered it to him and he told me, “no”, as though he just knew that he had grown past it. I cried the day I took the crib down and also more recently, the day I moved the high chair to the garage because he hadn’t used it in months. Diapers are the last shred of ‘baby’ left in my baby.
Once he is potty trained he will officially be a little boy. That precious portion of his life will be closed to me forever. I think that at times I feel the fatalistic implications more than some of my peers because they have potential to have more children. I do not. I know that all children grow up, that that is a part of life. But a part of me just wants him to be little forever.
Though with all my whining aside, I will always do what is best for him. Parenting is not a sport for the selfish or self serving. Me wanting him to stay a baby forever would not make him one. Though I cannot help but find it amusing that one of the things that is looked upon as one of “grossest” parts of raising children is the one I am going to miss. Certainly, not the most…I think that award went to the pacy. It was pretty cute.
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.