I think my Speech Language Pathologist is spying on my blog. Just sitting at home on her computer, as though she has nothing better to do, and searching my name in Google until she finally found my innermost thoughts and feelings (AKA this little gem of a blog). Could it just be a coincidence that the very same day that I finally dared to convey that I was so impressed with Jp’s improvement is the same exact day she thinks -for now- she has taken us as far as we can go? She is kicking us out of therapy. Whether I like it or not.
Okay, I’m not so paranoid and crazy (most of the time, anyway) that I truly believe that she is secretly stalking my blog.
I know that his improvements and new strides have not only been noticed by myself but by the trained professional hired to evaluate him. It would be more insulting, I suppose, if she hadn’t noticed. He is doing extraordinarily well for a child with a receptive language disorder.
I repeat…for a child with a receptive language disorder…
Okay, I am a super positive soul but I was floored when she said that. He is doing fantastic, amazing, and certainly better than I ever could have hoped for six months ago but he also attends therapy quite frequently. Is it fair to expect that progress will continue in the same fashion outside of structured play based therapy? Also, I am not as confident in her opinions of therapy completion since she thought he was “ready” months ago and that is when we discovered his receptive issue in the first place. At the time, I was unsure of his ability to progress on his own since he wasn’t using any sentences outside of mimicking but she assured me he was where he was supposed to be and I, knowing close to nothing about the trade, blindly followed her professional opinions. Though everything that she says now makes perfect sense. He is learning so much at such a rapid rate that she spends most of the sessions simply playing with him. Giving him trials that he learns with minimal prompting and so she believes that he is ready for independent study to truly see where he stands.
Is my baby really ready to leave the nest?
I don’t know how comfortable I am doing it all on my own. If it came down to the heart of my misgivings it would end in: I don’t know how adequate I am going to be as his only source of knowledge. It frightens me immensely. I want Jp to be the best, which is why I took him to the best I could find in her field. I am a far cry from a Speech Language Pathologist. I pride myself in knowing a little bit of everything but here…I am well below the curve. I generally acquiesce to everything that she tells me to do simply because I have no idea what I am doing on my own. At all. I would have better footing in rocket science, genuinely.
How am I going to ensure that he is where he is supposed to be?
She has given me charts and workbooks and we are going to come in every six months to re-evaluate him. She told me I could call with any questions that I may have in the meantime. I have assistance. But a part of me still feels as though we are being kicked out the plane without a chute. My biggest fear is that I am not going to be enough. That he will have the potential to backslide or that his level of progression will slow and at 6 months he will have to reenter therapy and I will feel as though I have failed.
I just stopped viewing his delay as my fault and now I am facing another personal failure.
When I reread that, I know how selfish that it sounds. I know that I am making this about me again and I am looking at it all wrong. But that doesn’t stop me from being terrified. It doesn’t make me feel as at ease as I was when he was being seen by a licensed professional with a Master’s degree that came with nothing but the most glowing of recommendations. At my best I am still just a mom. No initials or accreditation after it. Just a mom who wants, more than she wants to breathe air, for her son to do well in this world and that all begins with the basics of understanding and comprehending language.
Am I really the best person for this job? If I could have done it alone, why did I outsource the help in the first place?
She keeps trying to ensure me that he is in a good place for this step. That he is showing the ability to hear and absorb with less repetition and, for two and a half, is working his way up slowly but surely. He appears to be holding onto more now with less rigidity and reluctance to use certain sounds or words. Right now the building blocks are all vocabulary based. The more words that he knows, the more he will understand when he is spoken to and she thinks that I am more than capable of helping him with that (she used the term, “language rich environment”, which I think means that she thinks I am naturally loquacious). At age three the forming of new sentence structures -or more accurately an inability to do so- will indicate more specific neurological impairments. It would take what is a current “Receptive Language Delay” and give it a name and an action plan if necessary. And I knew that. I knew we were waiting on age three, when the testing changes and becomes more specific to language structures, to fully evaluate him for neurological conditions that cause receptive language disorders. I just didn’t know that the six months before these big tests that I would be the one (alone) that he was working with.
Did I mention that I am petrified? ‘Cause right now, I feel like I am going to faint just typing that. Now if you will please excuse me, I have a TON of homework to do on how to become an SLP in one week because that is when that door closes for us.
And I have never been a fan of looking upon closed doors.
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Childhood Development Parenting Parenting and Childhood Development developmental delays family languge delays mixed expressive receptive language disorder moms parenting speech language pathology. receptive language delay speech therapy toddler
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