I am always the mom on the playground that is by herself trying not to look like a helicopter mom. I always glance over longingly to the glorious “Mom Packs” (Thanks, Meridith@Faking Picture Perfect, I’m stealing again) all dressed to kill with their cell phones out and organic snacks in tow and think what an amazing thing it would be to be just a tiny part of it. They always seem so put together and just so overall awesome, I have to admit that I am always a little jealous. So recently when I was (finally) asked over to participate in the glory that is the “hoarde” at my local park hangout, I was beyond excited. Little ‘ol me…finally asked to sit at the “cool kid’s table”.
Then 15 minutes in…I remembered why I never sat at the cool kid’s table in High School. ‘Cause I’m snarky and I become annoyed with judgmental know-it-all attitudes relatively easily. And these women are rude, vapid, and boring.
PS- DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE YOUR KIDS ARE?! ‘Cause I see little Johnny over there and he looks like if he falls from that height…It may take more than a few stitches to fix him up.
These are things I learned in my brief (oh, so very brief) foray into the Mom Pack…
Being a Mom means that I…
- Know what the Bubble Guppies are. And no, they aren’t a real type of fish for those of you “My kid is never allowed to watch TV” Moms…
- Can change a diaper faster than you can spell it. D-I-A…I’m done.
- Can eyeball the smaller and larger end of the 3T. All 3T’s are not created equal!
- Know which brand has a higher vitamin content. Of any and everything.
- Can accomplish most tasks one handed while holding a child. Or more accurately, a 40 lb weight.
- Have snacks in my purse at all times. Fruit snacks…the must-have fall accessory.
- Know where every park within a 5 mile radius is. Or bouncy houses in 20.
- Can put the best double knot you have ever seen in a pair of sneakers. That can still be untied, of course.
- Am basically a WebMD directory of common childhood illnesses. “Is the fever over 103? Well, you’re fine, then”.
- Know every chorus to wheels on the bus. Even the weird ones.
- Have a patience well that knows no limits. No. Limits. Whatsoever.
- Can gauge a fever’s severity with the touch of a hand or forehead. “I’d say about 101. How? I don’t know, I just know“.
Being a Mom does NOT mean…
- That I know what that weird rash is on your kid. I gave birth, not went to medical school.
- That when you notice my son has delayed speech I want to hear about your sister’s baby cousin’s niece that has the same issue and is “fiiiiiiiiine now”.
- I want to have a play date with you just because we gave birth in close approximation with each other. Learned that one the hard way already.
- Want to share parenting advice with you. If you saw me crying myself to sleep last night, you wouldn’t be asking, I promise you.
- Want to hear your parenting advice. Because what’s weird is…I don’t even remember asking…
- Want to talk about birth plans or labor stories. Unless they are really miraculous…you just pushed a baby out and from the over-population issue at hand…not that special.
- Hear your personal review and experience on 20+ baby products. I. Don’t. Caaaaaaaaaare.
- Want to be scolded for giving my child a snack that isn’t healthy. Thanks, I could have lived without the dissertation on processed sugar. Go ahead and try to give it to him. He spit it out? Really? Color me shocked.
- Want to know about any post baby vaginal exercises. Ever. No more status updates about your keigals, thankyouverymuchgross.
- Want to feed into you fishing for compliments. “Wha? You look great for just having a baby (that is now 2 years old…seriously, do I have to participate?)!”
- Want to discuss any other Mom’s parenting. If she gives him gummy bears for breakfast, I’m sure she has her reasons. And stop staring, for goodness sakes, it’s rude as heck.
And I swear, I’m not making up the keigals bit, either. It happened. And it was everything I could do not to throw up on her shoes. Ladies, let’s keep it to humorous potty training battles and sleep training, mmmm-kay? I’m going back to playing with my son…
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.