A moment of weakness and envy…even the strongest of Moms cry sometimes.

CryingCartoon

Last night I was putting Jp to bed. He hadn’t had a nap and while that should make a toddler more tired and ready to go to bed, it typically makes mine even more irritable and unwilling to yield to the necessary processes of going to sleep. For my little one, that means tears. Lots and lots of tears. Tears while brushing his teeth, tears while putting on his pajamas, tears literally until the moment he knocks off for the night.

It’s my normal.

I’ve written many a post about my highly sensitive, dramatic, and tenderhearted little boy. Crying is just something that is an integral part of his quirky little personality. He weeps when it’s bath time, time to get dressed, change a diaper, if it’s a food not on his list, if you try to read to him…pretty much if the wind blows (right this moment he is crying because he wants the computer to play ABC Mouse even though he had already commandeered my phone and the TV).

Jp is a man that is touch with his emotions and wants you to know all about it all of the time.

Which is great normally, I love him just the way his little self is. Truly. But last night I had a moment of weakness. Bedtime routine, 30 minutes in and he is still crying. It’s pitch black, I am holding his hand and he has been crying for 20 solid minutes at the top of his lungs. It’s like this every night so I don’t know what was different exactly, maybe it’s the fact that I am reading How to Raise Your Spirited Child (of which I am sure I will be writing a series of posts on to be certain) or that Aunt Flo is in route to my house as we speak but I just lost my cookies.

There, in the darkened room, where no one could see my weakness, I cried. I thought of all of the moms that were able to rock their children to sleep, or read to them before bed and just started to cry. I thought of night night kisses and baths without drama and trips to the store without getting a “Really?” look from a clerk because I have 7 boxes of toaster pancakes in my cart and I just broke down.

I love my son just the way that he is. I wouldn’t change one hair on his head for anything in the world but in that one second…I felt a little overwhelmed.

Raising kids is hard, I know that and I knew that when I walked into this adventure. Raising Jp takes patience that I didn’t even know was possible sometimes. It’s like living in a soap opera that I partake in. Ridiculous scenarios, screaming, drama, mayhem. All day at times. Once every few months or so I think of what it would be like for every single minute of every day not to be a battle (or at least, every moment that he wasn’t engrossed in an electronic or some sort) and I think -just for a moment- why me?

Is it a popular thought to have? Of course not, but it’s true.

Why is it that I have a child that screams all day? I was not renowned for my patient nature before I became a mother. Why can’t I put my child down for bed without having to fight? Every. Single. Night? How nice it would be to give kisses and read a book and maybe rock him just for a little while. My rocking chair has been collecting dust in the garage for a year since he preferred to climb it than ever be rocked. His books have tags on them or are missing pages since there is only two ways he handles the reading situation and that is ignoring me while I read it or grab the book out of my hand and destroy it.

Why me?

Sometimes I think that I was chosen for this grand important reason and that is what drives me. It is what makes my feet hit the floor in the morning. I was chosen for my strength and my test is my patience. It is what I am meant to learn in this lifetime. Other times, in the cover of the dark room, I cry because it’s unfair. Unfair that a child that I wanted so intensely and love so much is teaching me something with so much intensity and tenacity that it actually makes me cry. And I feel weak for feeling like that at all.

Then he finally fell asleep. I listened to the sound of his even breathing in the darkness and thought, “But what if I never had him?”. It is a idea that I wouldn’t even want to contemplate. It was a possibility -more a probability- that I would never have a child. But I did. Against all odds, I had this beautiful little bundle of drama and excitement. He may be extreme lows but he his extreme highs, too. He is this burst of energy in my world that I desperately needed even though at the time I didn’t know it.

As I sat there and listened to my tiny angel breathe slowly, I leaned over and kissed him on his cheek and wiped away his tears and then mine. We were brought together to teach each other; to be a team. It’s okay that sometimes we make each other cry. It’s okay to be weak at times. As long as you can pick yourself up and remember what is important at the end of the day, it’s okay to be a parent and be human.

And a stolen goodnight kiss when he’s asleep is just as good as one that is given, in my humble opinion.

Childhood Development Parenting Parenting and Childhood Development

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Amber Perea View All →

I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

35 Comments Leave a comment

  1. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. I am too afraid to say sometimes that I am overwhelmed out loud because I am afraid someone will respond with, “what did you think having three kids would be like” My middle guy is turning four, he is a love machine and a very funny kid, He cannot sit still. Ever. He rocks back and forth while watching tv until something really exciting happens and then he jumps up and down. He only seems to do this at home, not at pre school or in a restaurant or out. He also has begun having major temper tantrums about nothing and seemingly everything all at once. I wouldn’t change a thing about this delicious boy, but just one evening, could he not shove something down the drain, head butt his baby sister, spill juice on the rug, “help me” clean up by making a bigger mess? just once, please? Good luck

    • Lol it is the story of my life. I love you, kid, I do, but could you PLEASE have a seat and do something that isn’t technology related? How about a craft project? OH MY GOD! I only turned around for a second, how are you already coloring on the walls?!

      Hang in there and who cares what people say anyway? My thoughts are…people that don’t admit every so often that it is challenging are lying to you or themselves.

      Or their kids are angels and in that case…what do they know anyways? πŸ˜‰

  2. love love love this…THANK YOU ever so much for inspiring me to share my difficulties on my own blog. Thank you for being there so I can see I am not alone in the Raising The Spirited Child–always love how they call them ‘spirited’ it suits my LO so well! (Little One) Lets call her F. I just felt so alone and isolated in my experiences, until our last move and finding the time to research more moms going through things like this. So, Thank You for being one of those inspiring Moms. Inspiring me to be true and real on my blog, to keep going even when its tough, for helping me to realize i am NOT alone, no matter how it feels in a small town; and Thank You for your ‘real-ness’ In the blogging world I find it difficult somedays to find ‘truthes’ personal experience truths through the photos and post card perfect lives. Thank You….I’m over at j9sopinion.com if you’re ever interested in taking a look. I’m a newbie blogger though lol Thank You Kindly,Jeanine

    • Hey new blogger, when I click on your name or whatever, it doesn’t take me to your blog. It looks like it wants to go to j9experience.com instead of j9sopinion.com. Mine was like that for a while too until somebody pointed it out for me. You’ll get more traffic, if we can click right on your name. Just pointing this out since you indicate you’re new, like me!

      • oh my thank you soo much i am having soo many issues with this host (wordpress) i dont know whats going on… i am in process of emailing them today thank you soo much!
        jeanine!

      • OK fixed i think and here is a link containing all my links in case–http://en.gravatar.com/jeaniney25
        sorry for so many replies feel free to delete
        Heartfelt thanks again for sharing. Its a lonely world in the dark, 3am
        with a toddler experiencing these types of serious sadness. Your
        honesty is refreshing and deeply inspiring. Jeanine

      • Ok, I thank you for notifying me of that. A few other bloggers did as well. I worked on it all day yesterday until my brain and eyes hurt. I ended up wasting the whole day fixing instead of posting lol. I hope it worked, take a look when you can, & ill be posting new today. Have a super one! J9;)

    • Awwwww, thank you so much! Your comment means a lot to me. Sometimes it is hard to “put yourself out there” but this is my place to do it and if I only told the good, what kind of blogger would I be? To a new blogger like me, I always give the advice…just write what you feel and you will find people that appreciate you for you. It’s really true.

      We all struggle, we all cry. We are certainly far from alone. The more community you build here the better you will feel so keep it up! I grew up in a small town and know how isolating it can be, especially when you never really see the true people behind the facade.

      I’m glad you found your way here and I hope we get to be “blogging friends”. You certainly aren’t alone in raising a “spirited LO” and if there is anything that you ever need, please let me know!

  3. God love ya, Amber! I guess all of us who are involved parents understand what you’re talking about in some respects. We’ve all got the highs and lows. I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, because I don’t. But I know my wife has cried many times for different reasons, and I’ve come close to it myself. Minor medical issues with our middle one and a monster of a personality with G$ have us frazzled quite a bit, but you’re right, they’re worth it.

    • Is god love ya like the male version of “bless her heart”? πŸ˜‰

      Frazzled is a good way to put it! I go weeks and weeks cracking up at the antics of my only child (I mean, come on…have you ever seen a tiny person cry over dropping a cracker? It’s pretty funny) but there are days when I’m like, “Seriously, it’s ONE cracker! Relax!” LOL.

      He never ceases to amaze me, that one. πŸ™‚

  4. Not all days will be hard, my friend. And when those days become more and more frequent, your new “normal”, you will cherish your son all that much more. The things that challenge us in life and make us find a way to overcome are the things most precious.
    THAT is why he commands so much of you. Because he’s worth it.

  5. I’ve been doing this so long that I have to look back to see what you’re going through now. Kudos to you for having the bravery to say the words I never would have back when I started.
    For some it gets easier, for people like me it just becomes routine. But still, I have my moments when I just break down and have a good cry. Don’t think of it as weakness, think of it as shedding a final layer of skin – because they do wear you thin. Feel yourself renewed. Pick up and move on like the strong mom you are.
    *hugs*

    • Sometimes you just have to cry. It’s a fact. If I said I never just reflected and thought, “Why me?” I’d be a liar. I think we all think it even though we may not WANT to. Sometimes I just have to let it out to start fresh, like you said. I always feel better after I let it out.

      I do think, “Is this too much to share with strangers?” but I am so guarded as a person that this is really the only place that I do so I figure…I can be brave or I can go crazy.

      I always pick the latter. πŸ˜‰

  6. My third was so very very difficult. she cried day and night. I was exhausted. I was also minding two other children. One day their mom rang. she is i hasten to add a great friend, She could hear my little treasure roaring. She made the fatal error of saying “Oh the poor darling”. I can still remember my outburst it went something like this… “Little darling, I’ll tell you what I’d like to do to that little darling, I’d like to drop her from an upstairs window onto the concrete below!”. Can you imagine saying that to the mum of the kids you mind? Thankfully we are still great friends. Her two beautiful girls and myself are still very close even though they are 18 and 21 now. So maybe your unspoken outburst might not sound so bad now.

  7. We all have our trials don’t we? Every single one of us. This post literally made me cry, because I can relate. Not to your particular struggle, but to the idea that my struggle makes me want to break down and cry too sometimes. I have literally said WHY ME? so many times. And, as of late, I’ve been getting a lot of criticism from those close to me because of my “complaining” too much on my blog about my life. Being a mama is so hard. Whether your child is healthy and normal, or whether your child has a problem. I regret every time I ever judged another mom, and am trying so hard to make it my new life long goal not to do that anymore. I’m done with it. Geez. I’m a basket case lately. What a great post though! Love it.

    • Awe, I’m so sorry that you are getting so much grief for your blog. Being negative? I would hardly say that at all. I think your blog talks about real issues that moms go through. Why wouldn’t you share the highs and the lows? I think being unable to share ALL of the sides of parenting takes away from the point of having a blog in the first place. I can pretend my life is perfect everywhere else but here. Here is where we get to unload all the negative emotions. It’s cathartic.

      Don’t feel as though you have to defend yourself. A blog is like a journal. It’s like someone reading your diary and telling you how to feel. That’s silly. Next time someone makes a comment, simply explain that you are a person that inspires others and how can that be done if you don’t come across as a human with flaws and fears and faults? Trust me, I read the overly positive blogs and I think they are great but I relate to people that are honest, like you.

      Just be you. You’re great. πŸ™‚

      • EXACTLY, I second that and truly hope she reads these replies! If you don’t like a post on someone’s blog, wait for one you DO LIKE, or unsub. Very simple. Delete the comments that hurt Amber. That’s NOT what you need right now. J9;)

    • I remember something ‘I wish I knew’ as I sat back from my ‘easy chair’ of one perfect child, watching my nefew: fit, throw food, toys, hit chase dog, terribly messy house (as I was a perfect mom, running a flawless cleaning company for YEARS). I was appalled, was not that i was being mean, That’s all I knew. THEN, I AND MY SECOND dun dun du n dun…like JAWS she came out and tore every belief i ever had to complete shreds, took 35lbs off my physical, and all but kills me somedays–i am living what i judged. I understand all u r going thru. I chocked up for days as soon as the kids were out the house sobbing for hours uncontrollably… thank GOD…I realized I had no choice but to flip my perception and see the good in everything or I was going to drown in a pool of bad negativity and it almost killed me (literally). I learned: This is my experience for me to learn from–not for me to die of guilt and same (although it almost happened).. My opportunity to have NEW experiences, with my children; and if you’re religious: my GOD. AND to GROW as a mom and person..(Not in a bible thumping way, just, GOD)… I don’t doubt that you have your GREAT Moments. Take those and find them in each little teeny bad event and make them the focus ALWAYS. practice makes perfect and who knew: change IS UNcomfortable. YOU WILL MAKE IT. Look at you here expressing your truth πŸ˜‰ Keep in touch with the positive ones! And join Mommy P,ay Groups, play centers for the kids are amazing. No phones computers dishes and distractions, one on one playtime only!!!

  8. Preach it, sister. I applaud you for your honesty. Parenting sometimes brings out the best of me. But lately, parenting Emery has caused me to think so many terrible, horrible things that I’m ashamed to say out loud. I’m finally breaking down and taking her to the pediatrician to see if we’re dealing with SPD rather than just a very, very intensely strong-willed child. And with the exception of my husband and best friend, everyone else thinks I’m overreacting or looking for a problem. But they aren’t here when she’s salivating and writhing in anger because I won’t let her run laps around the house or hug the dog with such intensity I’m certain they will both get hurt. So I’m just not telling people. Except you and the rest of the blogosphere, I suppose. Sometimes crying just feels good.

    • I can utterly identify with what you are going through. At first, EVERYONE acted as though I was looking at the negative and not “giving it enough time”. Jp is “spirited” but he carried a lot of neuro atypical traits that I wouldn’t let be dismissed. At first, when it became clear that it wasn’t autism then it was nothing. I never believed that. I took my fair share of grief for it, too.

      Stand firm. You know your child better than anyone and if you feel like something needs to be addressed, stand and fight for it. There is spirited and intense and then there are things that can be made better with behavioral therapy. Also, sometimes just knowing what you are working with can bring so much relief and a feeling that it isn’t your FAULT. It’s not your parenting, your methods, the way you are handling the tantrums. It’s an unmovable force and so you learn to be much more patient and can build a community for the hard days and enjoy the good that much more.

      You aren’t alone. I promise. I stopped talking about it to everyone and just kept blogging my heart out and doing my own research. Just now, people in my life are starting to come around. They see that I wasn’t over dramatic or unfounded in what I saw. It’s there. Now, as a family, we work with him. We are a team. People still tell me things like, “Oh, my kid’s picky, too, it’s the age.” or “He’s just shy. My kids were shy, too, and they just get over it.” but now that I have the support of my blog community and my husband and family I can shrug it off because they don’t know my son, I do.

      Yes, I cry. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and yes, even a little jealous. I mean, everyone doesn’t have a child that cries endlessly. It’s pretty maddening when he gets in one of his “moods”. But I just keep blogging and pouring my heart out here and it keeps me strong.

      Good luck to you and Emery and remember, Mother’s intuition is a psychological phenomenon that exists for a REASON. πŸ™‚

      • Thanks, Amber. I just need to know what we’re dealing with. Maybe it’s truly nothing more than a discipline issue and if so, great! I’ll handle that. But if it IS something more and I didn’t do everything I could, well, that’s not great parenting. No amount of discipline will fix that behavior and when we eventually figured it out, I’d feel even worse. Today is a better day.

  9. Oh Amber, your post made me want to cry. I experience that kind of frustration only occasionally and nearly fall apart, I don’t know how you keep it together when it happens all the time. I guess the thing is we all have to deal with what we have and try to enjoy the good bits which you obviously do. Thinking of you and sending support from across the ocean. Thanks for being so open with us all!

    • I think it’s just one of those things that you rarely notice when it’s your own child. Some days are harder than others but I find that it’s mostly MY mood that seems to cause me to think they are so bad. πŸ˜‰

      And thank you, for the support and love from across the ocean! πŸ™‚

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