Come one, come all! Gather ’round and witness the wonders of how undeniably awesomely intelligent and in tune that I am and why I am unequivocally right all of the time when it comes to rearing your children! Well, what makes me qualified? I am so glad that you asked!
- I have a piece of paper that says so and even though I have never spent my evenings cleaning vomit and other bodily fluids out of my hair, I know all there is to know about raising children (please note diploma hanging on the wall behind me on the jacket cover).
- I carried a few in my uterus and managed to get them to adulthood without killing them, maiming them, or having them appear on any episodes of Doctor Phil, Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, OR Cops. That makes me an out-and-out success and so now you must listen to me without question.
- I have children and a degree which most likely will mean that my children are so sick of me over analyzing them that I have no choice but to utilize my time combating my “Empty Nest Syndrome” by writing a book and relieving my glory days when they still spoke to me.
Are you a parent? Do you get stressed out? Well, do I have the solution for you! Just use my tried and true methods that I have tested all across the country (one time we took a family vacation and drove all of the way from California to South Carolina so that counts, right?) and now you are lucky enough for me to bring them into your home at the low, low cost of just $29.95. Some of my parenting essentials include:
- How to make your children love you by being a fake puppet that never becomes angry or frustrated (tips for robotic voice also included).
- How to live in a fantasy world in which the verbal labels we place on our children will, in fact, change who they are and our response to them.
- How to pretend that you are happy and positive all of the time even though you have problems and issues of your own. This sets an extraordinarily healthy precedent to your children about the acceptance of human emotion. You don’t cry, they don’t cry, and we raise yet another generation of children that aren’t in touch with how they feel or see their parents as fallible individuals thus creating NO disillusion in adulthood, I promise (No money back guarantee).
- How to retreat into your own world in the evenings guzzling down wine to handle the feelings of inadequacy you feel when you realize that there is no possible way that you could live up to the standards I am proposing (wine NOT included).
Do you feel that your child is out of control, disrespectful, or just plain obnoxious? Don’t try to change their behavior…change the way that you see it! Is little Timmy swimming in the fish tank again? NO! He’s exploring his future as an aquatic engineer. Did Suzy just punch that child in the face on the playground? NO! She is simply expressing her desire to take Karate. You can begin to see this and more by following some of my easy to use and proven methods:
- Mind altering drugs. Never underestimate the power of psychotropic substances to make you see things that others cannot (don’t believe me? Just ask a hippie).
- Copious amounts of mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medications. They truly will work but only if you intake them with toxic levels of alcohol.
- Shock Therapy in conjunction with a full lobotomy. You see drool, I see a parent that is willing to go the extra mile to be there for their children. And isn’t that what we are supposed to do as parents?
Do you want to live a happier, more fulfilled life with your children? Do you see the advertisements on TV about happy families and sit up at night wondering where you went wrong? That can all change with just one click of a button as soon as you purchase my book. Just see all of the glowing testimonials:
“I was sad all of the time and my child was out of control! Then I read this book and now instead of chasing Tommy around the playground and trying to intervene when he bullies other children, I just remember that most bullies grow up to be powerful executives! Then I sip the wine out of my sports bottle and give the parent who is picking up their child with a bloody nose the thumbs up! I am so much happier! Thanks generic child rearing book!
“I used to think that I was a terrible parent since my daughter always spoke back to me in public in a hateful way. Now I know that her sassy manner of expressing herself will suit her perfectly in court when she inevitably spirals out of control and winds up in jail. And here I was thinking that I should try to guide her to a proper lifestyle! No wonder I was so unhappy!”
So, you see? All you have to do to live a happy life parenting your children is change who you are, how you think, how you react, how you handle stress, toss basic human emotions out of the window, and last of all…love your child unconditionally all while repressing yourself to a point that when you look in a mirror you don’t even know who you see anymore. It’s just that easy! I will walk you through the process, step by step, and guide you toward a more fulfilling life as parent. How generous am I? Can you really put a price tag on happiness? Yes, you can! It’s $29.95!
But wait there’s more!
Now I offer step by step DVDs to to aide you in the process of becoming barely a shell of your former self! The DVDs include:
- How to sound like Lamb Chop -ALL OF THE TIME!
- How to stuff everything in a closet and microwave foods since you will be spending so much quality time with your child you will never get anything done again! (Bonus Features include what to do when your spouse leaves you since all you do is run around organizing structured play dates and sounding like a cartoon character).
- How to smile even though you are dying inside from denial and self loathing.
- And so much more!
Don’t wait! Call now to begin to love your child so much more than you love yourself that you end up like me…so lonely, alone, and bitter once they leave the house that you call them up every other day to cry and whine about how much of your life you spent raising them and now they won’t even call you (cell phone not included)!
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.