Do you own a handgun?
Drive an automobile?
Did you go to college?
Ever gotten a job?
Do you want to know what all of these things have in common?
You have to take a test or in some way are reviewed and verified as having a sufficient maturity level to be able to partake in them. You can’t just waltz into the DMV at sixteen and say, “Hey, I’m old enough to be here so…hook a sister up!”, or “I’d like to purchase a gun even though I have emotional problems and homicidal tendencies…throw it in the bag, please and thank you!”.
No, it just doesn’t work like that. Because with great responsibility comes a belief that you must in some way prove your overall worthiness. You must be able to certify that you are capable, equipped, and prepared to handle what is bestowed upon you.
You know what one of the greatest responsibilities is on the planet and yet there is no testing or screening process involved whatsoever? Raising tiny human beings that will one day be let loose into the world no matter how it is that you brought them up.
How strange is that fact?
So I think that I will take it upon myself to write a parenting pretest. I’m not self righteous enough to think that I have all of the answers when it comes to being a parent…but I certainly can screen through the ones that have no business even browsing the shelves, so to speak.
Parenting Readiness Test
(To be completed BEFORE trying to conceive or discontinuing birth control)
1) How do you feel about sleep?
a) I am fully capable of living solely on power naps and broken pieces of havoc thrown in where I can get it.
b) I like to sleep but interruptions are not a reason to complain or walk around like a zombie crying for my mommy.
c) If I don’t get a full nights sleep you might as well walk on eggshells for the rest of the day because it will be a live production of Night of the Living Dead at my house.
2) How do you feel about eating hot meals?
a) I like my food cold actually, it helps with digestion.
b) I don’t mind eating lukewarm food for the better part of the rest of my life.
c) If it’s not hot and steaming, I simply cannot eat it and will throw the plate to the floor.
3) How do you feel about public embarrassment?
a) I can tune out any sort of obnoxious behavior and pretty much never care what people think of me or the people that I am around.
b) I am quite good at gritting my teeth and pretending others do not exist when I am uncomfortable.
c) I can’t stand when people yell or scream in public and I want to run and hide every time that I hear it.
4) How do you feel about bodily fluids?
a) The smell of poop, vomit, and urine are like roses and I would wear them as a perfume if I could.
b) It’s not my favorite fragrance but smells are something I can tolerate if necessary.
c) If someone throws up I will immediately throw up, too. And I hope you don’t mean poop…that is just gross.
5) How do you feel about the sound of your own voice?
a) I think my voice is like the sweet tinkling of bells in a fresh fallen snow.
b) It’s okay, I guess, and if I had to listen to myself say the same thing 978 times in a day I wouldn’t absolutely lose my marbles and cry myself to sleep.
c) I hate my voice and repeating myself is something I could never see myself doing and not ending up in a straitjacket.
6) How do you feel about repetitive, loud noises?
a) There is nothing more soothing than the sound of a toy banging into a table or other surface for the better part of four hours. Like music to my ears.
b) I wouldn’t mind if someone said the same word over and over and over again until I finally gave in. Doesn’t sound like the worst thing that could ever happen.
c) Repetitive noises make me want to cut my ears off with a hacksaw and then flush them down the toilet.
7) How do you feel about sexy time with your partner?
a) I only like it if it’s fast and preferably done with a fear of being caught.
b) As long as it happens frequently enough to keep me from contemplating infidelity, I am happy with quickies at nap time and any other time restraint.
c) If there is an interruption in my romantic life I don’t know what I would do (but it might involve violence).
8) How do you feel about whining?
a) I can pretty much tune out any noise, no matter high pitched or ear piercing.
b) It’s not my favorite thing to listen to but I don’t think it would make me yell at the top of my lungs and lash out with a feverish intent. I think…
c) I would lose my mind if someone whined and cried every single time that they didn’t get their way.
9) How do you feel about waiting on someone hand and foot for 18 years +?
a) I live to help others. I just get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from taking care of others needs.
b) I like helping people and making them happy.
c) I’m a firm believer in, “He who doesn’t help himself is totally screwed”.
10) How important is your social life to you?
a) I actually would prefer if I only saw my friends sporadically at best. I’d rather stay home and watch Nick Jr any night of the week.
b) Being home is a wonderful way to spend an evening but if I do want to go out, I don’t mind paying an arm and a leg to do so.
c) Party? Did somebody say there was a party? Am I invited? Oh hell, I don’t care…I’m going! Shots!
Congratulations! You are fully prepared and mentally ready to partake in the wonderful world of parenting. You obviously need to get started right away so please drop all birth control methods in the waste basket on your way out.
You are capable of handling the stress of parenting. We will give you the number of a hotline on your way out in case some of your patience may be waning and you just need to talk to someone. We also suggest you start a blog.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to take this test. Parenthood may not be what is in the best interest of you (or a child) right now. Please go to window C for your mandatory birth control shot. Retests are available in three years.
Photo Credit: cutelypoisoned.com
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.