I have lived in this world for over 30 years. I have been a part of many communities, clubs, groups, and social circles. I have lived in quite a few cities and even a couple of states (though in my heart I will always be a Texan). I have had countless amounts of friends, people I trusted, and places that I called home. Though most of my existence…I have told a lie of omission. I have left out a piece of information about myself that I have always believed was no one’s business but mine. I have kept it close to my heart, never forgetting it’s existence, though never feeling the need to burden others with the knowledge for fear that it would change their interactions with me or view me in different light. In my current life, only my husband knows. These are things that you tell someone that vows to spend their life with you, but other than that, I feel as though it is something that is better left unsaid. Even here, in my own personal world of blogging, I have never felt the need to mention it with the usual fear that it will bring about pity and there is nothing -nothing- that I hate more than that.
Though lately, one of the things I have noticed when I receive blogging awards or read other descriptions of me as a blogger, is that people view me as “honest”. That is the one resounding fact that I read over and over and over again.
Me? Honest? This has to be a first in my lifetime. I’ve been known to “tell it like it is” but never, ever -ever- about who I am or how I feel. I like to keep almost all facets of myself as private as humanly possible. But here I don’t feel that need. Maybe it’s the feeling of anonymity only sitting behind a computer can bring, but here is where I am truly myself all of the time.
So today, as part of my Freestyle Friday, I will reveal one of my biggest secrets. What is the point as being seen as “real” or “honest” if you never tell people who you truly are? How can you claim to be “baring your soul” when one of the most important reasons of all of your decision making is a veiled in secrecy? To me, it feels false and everytime I see someone describe me as forthcoming, I feel guilty. Since this is the only place that I truly am myself, I am going to break down that wall today.
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with a medical condition that will significantly shorten my lifespan.
The what, the how, and the where I do not want to go into as it always stems too much Googling and people feel the need to tell me what they find. Truth be told, if it’s on Google…I’ve read it. If it’s in a medical book, I’ve seen it. If a doctor knows it, he’s told me. I have known for 15 years about my currently asymptomatic condition that just means that one day (though it is impossible to know exactly when)…I will get sick and I will die earlier than most.
Sounds heavy, right?
It is really not when you sit down and think about it (and I have had a lot of time to do just that). People get sick every day with no rhyme, reason, or warning. People go suddenly all of the time. My mom lived an exemplary healthy lifestyle full of service to her community. Two weeks after her 50th birthday…she was stung by a bee and passed away from Anaphylaxis. My best friend died in her twenties from taking birth control. Yep, you heard me. You know that really fast voice at the end of the commercials for contraceptives when they tell you the side effects and they say, “In very rare cases…may cause liver and kidney failure”? She was a very rare case.
Life is fleeting. I know that better than most. The only thing that has been colored by being made aware of a mortality that we all have is that I have always lived my life as though I want to remember every moment that I have here. I am not planning for some grand future and putting off life for a better tomorrow but enjoying my time here and now as though each day could be my last before I receive the news that I am sick.
In truth, there is no way to know when I will inevitably become ill though the thought is it won’t be until my mid-thirties to forty or even later, but I have never relied on the theories of others. I don’t live as though I am dying and not setting up for retirement and other future preparations but I don’t pretend that I will live forever. I take care of myself and I have hopes that I will see my son marry and have children and will one day be able to spoil them rotten, too, but I don’t wait until tomorrow to have an experience that is here today.
I know most of you think that this sounds sad. I promise you, it is not. Most people are afraid of death and feel as though it is something that they have to avoid at all costs in the hopes that they will live forever. When someone sits you down at 16 years old and says that you may not live as long as everyone else, you learn to not fear death and taking that off of the table is a sense of freedom that some people will never know. I feel blessed in a way. Some people get sick and when they sit there on their deathbed, all they do is wish that they had done a million things differently and become overwhelmed with regret and remorse. I never will be. I jumped out of a plane, partied like a rock star, saw and followed bands, went to college, grew up, got married, started a family, knew the joys of motherhood…
I could never regret my life.
My heart will be full and I have accomplished everything I ever set out to do. Even the one thing I didn’t think would be possible for me which was having a child. I love being a Mom and I love being a wife more. Life always gives us what we need and I could never feel like I missed out on anything.
Because ever since the age of a mere 16 I have known that life is a gift and not a right.
And now I am truly an honest blogger. You, my faithful and loyal following readers, know all of my secrets (well, the most important one, at least, a girl has to keep some mystery about her). You can see now why I choose to see the humor in everything and find the silver lining to every cloud. The silver lining is that I am alive, I am healthy, and I am here. I get to be a part of this world and while I am here I am going to enjoy it. That’s not to say that I never become frustrated or sad, I am human, after all…but those days I just remind myself that the only days that are wasted are the ones that you spend feeling sorry for yourself and not doing all that you can to make it better.
Count your blessings every day without fail. Your life is more beautiful than you think.
PS- If anyone says “I’m sorry” in the comment section…I will unfollow you! 🙂
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.