FF: Breaking down walls and becoming the blogger I want to be… (Warning: Heavy Content)

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I have lived in this world for over 30 years. I have been a part of many communities, clubs, groups, and social circles. I have lived in quite a few cities and even a couple of states (though in my heart I will always be a Texan). I have had countless amounts of friends, people I trusted, and places that I called home. Though most of my existence…I have told a lie of omission. I have left out a piece of information about myself that I have always believed was no one’s business but mine. I have kept it close to my heart, never forgetting it’s existence, though never feeling the need to burden others with the knowledge for fear that it would change their interactions with me or view me in different light. In my current life, only my husband knows. These are things that you tell someone that vows to spend their life with you, but other than that, I feel as though it is something that is better left unsaid. Even here, in my own personal world of blogging, I have never felt the need to mention it with the usual fear that it will bring about pity and there is nothing -nothing- that I hate more than that.

Though lately, one of the things I have noticed when I receive blogging awards or read other descriptions of me as a blogger, is that people view me as “honest”. That is the one resounding fact that I read over and over and over again.

Me? Honest? This has to be a first in my lifetime. I’ve been known to “tell it like it is” but never, ever -ever- about who I am or how I feel. I like to keep almost all facets of myself as private as humanly possible. But here I don’t feel that need. Maybe it’s the feeling of anonymity only sitting behind a computer can bring, but here is where I am truly myself all of the time.

So today, as part of my Freestyle Friday, I will reveal one of my biggest secrets. What is the point as being seen as “real” or “honest” if you never tell people who you truly are? How can you claim to be “baring your soul” when one of the most important reasons of all of your decision making is a veiled in secrecy? To me, it feels false and everytime I see someone describe me as forthcoming, I feel guilty. Since this is the only place that I truly am myself, I am going to break down that wall today.

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with a medical condition that will significantly shorten my lifespan.

The what, the how, and the where I do not want to go into as it always stems too much Googling and people feel the need to tell me what they find. Truth be told, if it’s on Google…I’ve read it. If it’s in a medical book, I’ve seen it. If a doctor knows it, he’s told me. I have known for 15 years about my currently asymptomatic condition that just means that one day (though it is impossible to know exactly when)…I will get sick and I will die earlier than most.

Sounds heavy, right?

It is really not when you sit down and think about it (and I have had a lot of time to do just that). People get sick every day with no rhyme, reason, or warning. People go suddenly all of the time. My mom lived an exemplary healthy lifestyle full of service to her community. Two weeks after her 50th birthday…she was stung by a bee and passed away from Anaphylaxis. My best friend died in her twenties from taking birth control. Yep, you heard me. You know that really fast voice at the end of the commercials for contraceptives when they tell you the side effects and they say, “In very rare cases…may cause liver and kidney failure”? She was a very rare case.

Life is fleeting. I know that better than most. The only thing that has been colored by being made aware of a mortality that we all have is that I have always lived my life as though I want to remember every moment that I have here. I am not planning for some grand future and putting off life for a better tomorrow but enjoying my time here and now as though each day could be my last before I receive the news that I am sick.

In truth, there is no way to know when I will inevitably become ill though the thought is it won’t be until my mid-thirties to forty or even later, but I have never relied on the theories of others. I don’t live as though I am dying and not setting up for retirement and other future preparations but I don’t pretend that I will live forever. I take care of myself and I have hopes that I will see my son marry and have children and will one day be able to spoil them rotten, too, but I don’t wait until tomorrow to have an experience that is here today.

I know most of you think that this sounds sad. I promise you, it is not. Most people are afraid of death and feel as though it is something that they have to avoid at all costs in the hopes that they will live forever. When someone sits you down at 16 years old and says that you may not live as long as everyone else, you learn to not fear death and taking that off of the table is a sense of freedom that some people will never know. I feel blessed in a way. Some people get sick and when they sit there on their deathbed, all they do is wish that they had done a million things differently and become overwhelmed with regret and remorse. I never will be. I jumped out of a plane, partied like a rock star, saw and followed bands, went to college, grew up, got married, started a family, knew the joys of motherhood…

I could never regret my life.

My heart will be full and I have accomplished everything I ever set out to do. Even the one thing I didn’t think would be possible for me which was having a child. I love being a Mom and I love being a wife more. Life always gives us what we need and I could never feel like I missed out on anything.

Because ever since the age of a mere 16 I have known that life is a gift and not a right.

And now I am truly an honest blogger. You, my faithful and loyal following readers, know all of my secrets (well, the most important one, at least, a girl has to keep some mystery about her). You can see now why I choose to see the humor in everything and find the silver lining to every cloud. The silver lining is that I am alive, I am healthy, and I am here. I get to be a part of this world and while I am here I am going to enjoy it. That’s not to say that I never become frustrated or sad, I am human, after all…but those days I just remind myself that the only days that are wasted are the ones that you spend feeling sorry for yourself and not doing all that you can to make it better.

Count your blessings every day without fail. Your life is more beautiful than you think.

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PS- If anyone says “I’m sorry” in the comment section…I will unfollow you! πŸ™‚

Photo Credits:

www.lovemarkscampus.com

www.deepfriedfruit.com.au

Musings Parenting

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Amber Perea View All →

I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

42 Comments Leave a comment

  1. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ll have to accelerate the rate at which I give you shit knowing that I may not have enough time to torment you as long as I will others. You have inspired me though. Perhaps I will share a secret with my blog followers as well. Do you think a time I got crabs from a toilet would be fun to read about? Take that heavy post! Lol. For what it’s worth, I love you as a fellow decent human being with our hands full of kids and life and what not.

    • Thank you for being you, Don! I never intended to share when I started…it seemed, as always, irrelevant, but when people kept saying that I was honest it made me feel like a liar.

      Is the secret that you pretended to get the crabs from a toilet seat but really it was from…. (eeeew)?

  2. I’m glad I started reading your blog, and I wish I had read your post before posting my whine filled one. To remind me to look for the joy in the journey. This also reminded me to take my blood pressure because I forgot to this morning. πŸ™‚

    My existential question of the day is: Is it only boys or all kids that do the limp noodle thing when they want to get down and play on a nasty public floors?

    • Don’t feel bad, I whine all of the time! It’s the part of parenting that keeps us sane, I think. As long as you can do it with a smile, you’re okay! πŸ™‚

      And I’m not sure about the gender…but cart licking and wanting to hang out on the floor has to be universal. Jp’s first organic sentence was. “Want get down”. In the grocery. πŸ™‚

  3. I too am not an honest blogger. Who is really? Some secrets we choose to keep, others we decide to share. i am glad you shared and you did so very well. I live life every day too but for different reasons. You are spot on though. Look at how many people were not told how short their life would be. Hopefully you have loads of great time ahead and eejits like don to “give you shit”.Maybe that’s why you have such a good sense of humor too.

    • I feel honest now. The only secrets I keep (and will take with me to the grave) is some of my misbehavior I had when I went through my “I’m going to die anyway” phase.

      Some things are better left in the past, in my opinion! πŸ˜‰

      Having a sense of humor is the one thing I hold onto no matter what happens in life. It could always be worse, right? πŸ™‚

  4. Thanks for sharing. I also have a secret. Some people close to me know about it, but I have never shared it with others who are equally as close because I don’t feel like dealing with their reactions and feelings relating to MY experience. I don’t like not being able to speak freely around people who I love, but once I share, whatever the result, I can’t un-share. I often wonder how I would feel if I did. Do you feel better? More free? That’s what I would hope for if I shared.

    • I do, but I still won’t tell my friends in person. I have told people in the past and it does change how they see you and that shift can’t be undone. Or they downplay it and that can be frustrating in its own right, too, and you can’t take back how you feel about it.

      Secrets are good but who you choose to share them with is personal. My choice here was based solely on the fact that this is where I unburden my soul. It’s my one place of personal freedom. So here, telling made me feel extraordinarily good. πŸ™‚

  5. Everyone has secrets. Usually, if its a big one, it has a pretty heavy influence on your life and who you are. Unfortunately, it seems the bigger it is, the harder it is to talk about. You can’t exactly drop it in a conversation at the playground between rescuing a child from the monkey bars and stopping them from wood chips. I appreciate your honesty and know how hard it is to be forthcoming.

    • Sometimes, with mine at least, admitting it makes it more real. It was hard to face when I was younger. But with life and experience becoming something that I feel proud of, it’s easier.

      And there is never a good time, I guess, only that moment when you know that I burdening your secret will bring you freedom. I remember telling my then boyfriend (now husband) and thinking it would change everything…but it didn’t. The truth is…it’s all about who you tell. People that accept you will accept you no matter what. And the ones that don’t, don’t matter.

  6. wow. that’s a lot of info. If you think about it, from the minute we are born, we are all dying. I am not sure if that statement makes me feel better or not. Hopefully, we all learn that it is not how long we are on this earth but what we do, create, feel and learn during that time that we are here. ❀

  7. I am happy for you that you have said it out loud; not to us, but to you. Your blog is as much about being honest with yourself as anyone else. I am learning that myself as each post goes by. I delete a word or two for fear of offending, or find myself apologizing for something I believe in. Good on you for taking a step in the direction of you.

    • I have to do that so much in life that I REFUSE to do it in my blog. At least here, if you’re offended, it’s easy to unfollow me or choose to ignore me.

      This is my world and here I say what I want, when I want.

      In life…I have to see these people again. πŸ™‚

  8. From a mum who loves your blogs and is living with an adrenal condition that means I am reliant on steroids just to remain alive I can relate to so much of this. I have never blogged about my own condition. My two children have so much going on that it is easier to talk about them but I woud be lying if I never admitted he much my own condition impacts on my writing and life. I loved this blog because it puts all your other wirk nto perspective and helps us understand you more. Much love from Scotland xx

    • Wow, that’s amazing. I didn’t even know you were a reader! Thank you so much for sharing your story with me! It is easy to focus on everyone else around us and never admit how scary things can be for us because we are Moms and moms make everything better, not get sick.

      But it is part of who we are…and for the exact reason that you said. You nailed it! It makes up a big part of why I am who I am and I thought it was time to share that!

      Thank you for the love and support!

  9. if we are being honest today, I can honestly say that even though I pretend to have answers to everything, I:
    A. Really don’t know much about shit.
    B. Have severe Mommy issues and dance around the shit I’d really like to blog about.
    C. Secretly long to be high functioning alcoholic just to keep life interesting.
    D. Swear a lot to cover up my limited vocabulary.

    But I love reading your blogs. It’s nice to feel like you have an unmet friend in another country. And I hope you stay healthy a long, long time. We’re counting on you, Texas!

    • I love you, Cookie!

      I feel like I don’t know much about life, too. It’s like parenting…every time you figure out a trick, it freaking changes!

      I am just now starting to blog what I want! Like the last two weeks. I don’t want to be all heavy “my kid has a disorder” but for a whole it’s all I could focus on. It feels so good to be funny now and crack jokes and be open about who I am…

      Yes, sometimes I probably sound bipolar..lol. But do it! I’d love to read what your dancing around since I love what you write already! πŸ™‚

      I plan to stay around as long as I can.:.I’m not done making my mark yet!

  10. I tell myself the same thing about people going suddenly all the time to remind myself not to dwell on the possibility of Monkey’s cancer coming back. Maybe it will, most likely it won’t. But even if he had never had it, any number of other things could still steal him away unexpectedly.

    I’ve realised that I’m not afraid to die, but I am afraid of losing the people I love, my son most of all. But there are no guarantees in life. We just have to make the best of the time we have together, however long or short it may be.

    • That could not be more true! While I am have always been comfortable with myself going…the thought of losing my husband or my son terrifies me!

      Thank you for sharing your story with me!

  11. I’m floored by the things we have in common. I have my own lie of omission (I refuse to use the word condition), and my daughter was quite premature. My daughter is two, and we thought we knew what her challenges were, but there’s some sensory issues we are dealing with now too. So, yeah, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. πŸ™‚

      • Emotional overload and biting, which are related. Sometimes she feels so strongly that she bites her clothes or her arm in order to handle the emotion. When she was younger, she would sometimes cry when I picked her up from daycare because she was so happy to see me. I can tell when she is getting upset because she often will bite herself then too.

        She isn’t aggressive, but sometimes she bites other children as a way of getting their attention, which she learned from a previous daycare. We are overcoming some of this as she improves in her language skills.

        We have a body brush we use and are practicing brushing our teeth, but she only has emotional settings of 1 and 11, there’s no moderate setting in the middle. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

      • Jp grinds his teeth when he’s happy or excited (super hard) and it’s kind of that same oral sensory seeking. They have special necklaces and bracelets (geared toward autism) called “Chewlery” and you can guide her to bite on that when she seeks out that need. It will keep her from biting other things to fulfill that need. All non toxic chemicals. I just ordered some for the grinding since that kind of fixation can hurt the jaw. Plus, since she wears them they will help her feel grounded (sensory seeking is usually when the emotions are out of whack) when she’s stressed.

        With language will come vast strides in the sensory areas, promise. The more she can communicate the less she will be stressed. Jp used to be 0-60 in 3 seconds but now that his expressive is growing, he’s much calmer (though just to be honest he’s still way more temperamental than most his age) and days are much easier. Around two and a half he started learning consequences (like time out) and that helped.

        High emotion levels are normal for preemies and finding what makes her happy will help, too. Jp is obsessed with numbers and counting so when he’s stressed or in new environments and starts showing the very beginning signs of distress I will count to ten over and over again. It’s familiar so it makes him calm again when he’s uncertain.

        Hope that helps a little!

  12. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope becoming “honest” made you feel 100% free. I admire that. I still feel the need to hold things in even with strangers online… I’ll have to learn to let some of the walls I’ve got drop. If by doing that I can inspire someone the way your post just did me it will be worth stepping outside of my box.

    • Wow, THAT’S heavy! Thank you. It’s how I felt, too. Here I am blogging away and everyone kept saying how real I was or how honest…I just felt as though to truly own that title I had to drop that wall.

      I feel so honored to inspire anyone. If you knew me, you’d know why! πŸ™‚

  13. I started out on wp not even using my name but who wants to talk to a faceless and nameless stranger? You have revealed something that is about you but doesn’t define who you are. Today you are MY muse. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you! It is true…I find myself (personally) not being as interested in following or commenting on people’s blogs that never reveal their name or refer to their children by random objects. I understand, it’s a crazy world and you can never be too careful, but for me, it loses all connection.

      It certainly doesn’t define me…it’s not the things that happen to us that Define us, it’s our reaction to it that makes us who we are. πŸ™‚

  14. First of all, I want to say Congratulations.
    Exposing this on your blog reflects deep acceptance and peace.
    Seams like those who live tragic realities end up being the ones making the most of this life.
    Maybe one day I too will come forward with my secret…

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