I have never had the pleasure of ever making anything ‘Facebook Official’. When I first came to know of the site, all of those years ago, I was already with my now-husband. So when I set up my account I was already “in a relationship” and while I have since switched it to “married”, Facebook didn’t make it official, the great state of Texas did.
How exciting it was knocking out this ‘first’ in such a big and important way.
I have written previously about the fact that I had kept Jpeezy’s developmental issues far away from most of my friends and certainly social networking. Mostly for the reason that I didn’t know what was going on at the time: what it was, what it would be, what the causes were…so how could I answer the inevitable questions that people would ask? How could I tell people things that I didn’t yet know myself ? I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it at the time as I was still processing it in my own cluttered mind. What makes this sad fact even worse was that, before the pathologist sat me down almost a year ago, I was one of those annoyingly oversharing mommies that posted every tiny milestone and each and every seemingly insignificant victory that their child has. His first smile, first step, first word…all of it was posted to Facebook with beautiful photographs and glowing with mommy pride.
Where did that mom go? The answer is that I had crawled into my own head and fear and stayed there.
Though this morning Jp had a personal victory. It was such an ‘Aha!’ moment that the second that I heard it I picked him up, spun him around, and then called my husband to brag. I was utterly and completely over the moon. It was then and there that I decided that my ‘radio silence’ was officially over. I was going to go back to being that proud mom that Jp certainly was due. I am that mom now. I just needed to remember that.
I grabbed my phone and was poised to share with the world, not only a wonderfully fabulous feat for my Jpeezy, but the first time that I ever shared anything that would indicate that he had a disorder in any way, shape, or form. When I opened the app, the very first post that I saw was from a college friend that was pregnant at the same time that I was and our sons are literally weeks apart. It read:
River’s bad dream last night: “I found a treat on the floor and you wouldn’t let me eat it!”
For a split second my resolve faded. I felt the old feelings of inadequacy and the remaining piece of me that was still that insecure parent and started to set the Iphone down. Then, as quickly as the old fear rose up, I remembered that my son had an important milestone that was worth sharing. I picked that phone right back up and posted:
Our Internet has been all jenky since yesterday and someone is coming out to fix it today. Jp woke up and did his usual routine of sitting down at the computer to turn on Micky Mouse. I was making his breakfast when I heard, “mamma!” I ran in. He pointed to the computer and said, “uh-oh, it’s bwoken”.
Yay Jp! What a perfectly formed sentence buddy!
This is who I am. I am a mother that is overflowing with satisfaction and pride over the achievements of my one and only son. I am a mom that loves her child more than anything in this whole wide world. I threw out those pesky milestone charts and perfect child expectations ages ago and it was high time that I stood up and told the world that. I will not hide any longer because the one thing that I do know for certain is that my son is perfect just the way that he is.
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.