Jp gets a spanking and other acts of domestic violence…

ImageDo you know what I think is absolutely adorable? Pregnant women -or women with tiny, tiny babies- telling me how they are going to parent when they are still all full of optimism and flush with knowledge from freshly purchased parenting books by acclaimed authors. I don’t mean to glaze over with a condescending smile on my face…but I do. Because the one thing I want to say, but never do, is that you have zero idea of who your child is going to be or what is going to happen. Raising kids is much like life. And life, in the wise words of everybody’s favorite guy, Mr. Forest Gump, is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you’re gonna get.

Take me, for example.

I said that I would never -ever- spank my child. I wasn’t beaten or traumatized, though I was raised in East Texas so I have had cut my own switch y’all, but I thought of myself as a highly evolved and educated woman that had plenty of other tactics in her arsenal. I was sure that all of those knowingly condescending looks that I received when I said that were just people that weren’t on my level. This is a new age and I was enlightened.

Then my child had a receptive language disorder.

Okay…well, that changes things. When you can’t vocally hammer in 100% of the time what the time-out is about or what it is for or how to avoid it…how effective is it, really? Jp is a smart kid. His level of cognition is great. But his ability to absorb complex ideals and cause-and-effect situations is a bit iffy at best. It is just not his forte. But he does know what getting in trouble is and knows to avoid it if he can.

He gets little swats here and there, only to back up a threat of, “Do you want a spanking?”, every now and then. Nothing hurtful, nothing scary, just a nonverbal (the best way to get through sometimes when the language is lacking) reminder to stop pushing his limits. It’s a 30:1 ratio probably, too. One swat for every 30 threats. Usually, he listens. He may not know why you don’t want him to do what he’s doing and explaining it can be pretty fruitless…but he doesn’t like the spanking so he avoids that. No harm, no foul, and silly me for thinking that I knew what the future would hold when he was just a dream and the size of a fruit in my womb.

Fast forward to this rainy afternoon on a Wednesday just like any other.

Ever since Jp had a little cold last week, he hasn’t been sleeping at night very well. And by not well, I mean he gets up three or four times and screams like a banshee raised by wolves. Did I mention that he’s not napping, either? So he’s in a great mood – let’s just leave it at that.

So, today I decided he was taking a nap whether he liked it or not. His crazy little temper tantrums are obviously because he is over tired and I want my child back, darnit! So we laid down in his room in the dark and needless to say…he wasn’t thrilled with me. He was thrashing around and yelling, not that I can blame him since I can’t explain why I’m enforcing the nap time (though I tried, I promise) and to him I am simply being mean, and he thought that if he just was loud enough, I’d let him get up (toddler logic…woe is me).

I patiently explained over and over why I was making him nap and that I would nap with him (even though I was going to sneak out and do laundry, of course) and kept laying him back down when he sat up over and over (and over and over and over). Then, he sat up again and, as I moved my arm to lay him back down, he balled up his tiny fist in what I have to say was slow motion. I thought, “No, he wouldn’t….”

Right before he punched me full force in the face.

I sat there for a whole second while the time in the room completely stopped. He looked at me, I looked at him, and I could tell that he knew what he did was way the heck out of line. I wasn’t quite sure what to do for a moment. We were in the time out area (which is his room and yes, I know you aren’t technically supposed to do that, but it’s what works) and secondly, he punched me. He didn’t slap me, or accidentally headbutt me in a fit, or just get frustrated and lash out. He balled up a tiny little fist with intent and punched me in the face because he didn’t want to take a nap.

So over the knee he went and got his first real spanking from mom.

keep-calm-and-do-what-you-gotta-do-2

Now, dad spanks and deals with tantrums and he has never been punched in the face. In fact, the tantrums that happen with dad are milder in nature overall. And while I am not advocating for spanking in all children, in that moment, I did what I thought was best. Yes, I know the arguments against it. I know everything that could ever be said about it because, I, myself have said it. But I also know that not everyone is raising a child like my son so before you judge me…keep that in mind. If I could have told him why we don’t do that and knew in my heart that he would have understood me, maybe that would have played out differently. Maybe, if I had spanked him one of the 5000 times he has smacked me with an open hand, he wouldn’t have thought it was okay to punch me. I don’t know. All I do know is that he is over half my size and getting bigger by the second and getting punched in the face isn’t cool. Just know that you never know what you will be as a parent until you actually have to parent a child. A specific child. Not just an ideal or a dream, but a real life tiny human being that has a personality, a voice, and conscious actions.

Maybe, don’t be like me and jinx yourself by saying you would never do something, so that later, if you have to, you don’t feel so bad about. Just say that you will do the best you can to be who you want to be and won’t beat yourself up (or get beat up) if things don’t go your way.

Raising children is a marathon, people…not a sprint.

 

Photo Credits:

www.businessinsider.com

www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Childhood Development Parenting

Advertisements

Amber Perea View All →

I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

31 Comments Leave a comment

      • Well, I was hoping for a response from Mrs. Perea, but I guess she wasn’t in the fightin’ mood. Of course I didn’t mean it. I spanked Ace once. I remember everything about it. I ALMOST teared up. It literally hurt me more than it hurt her. She wasn’t even being bad, but she was being difficult for her and I was annoyed at something else so I whooped her once on her bottom. She cried and that was the last time I’ve ever spanked her. She’s just never needed it. Same with Cool. If I tell either of them in a tone that they’ve made me mad or disappointed me, they straighten their shit up right away. Can you believe that? A near 10 year old and a 4 year old have gotten one whoopin’ between the two of them. Now G$….I’ve never felt bad any of the numerous, numerous times I’ve whipped his little ass, but it doesn’t seem to be working, so I’m trying to devise a plan B with him.

      • I did answer! I just checked but its not on there? Must be the double response…I answer everything. πŸ™‚

        I wish I didn’t have to…it blows and it goes against my whole laid back patent approach. But I’m not getting punched in the face by any stretch of the means, either. He’s a good kid, he’s just emotional as all get outs and mischievous, too. Mischief is cool (and pretty funny) but you can’t punch me in the face. That ish just can’t happen no matter how ticked off you are. Lol. πŸ™‚

        G$ still a little guy. He’ll come around with age. You’re just spoiled because your other two are so good! πŸ™‚

  1. If my kid had done that to me she would have been over my knee before she could even pull her arm back.
    Don’t worry about what you said before. You do what you gotta do. There is a difference between a beating and a spanking.

  2. I think a good paddle on the rear end is needed at times and we do it here at home too. One day, as I was sending Si up to his room for mis-behaving, he took some little ceramic toy he had in his hand and chucked it right at my head. You can bet he got a spanking from me after that. I find it so funny when self-righteous mothers say “violence begets violence so never, ever spank” because it’s actually the parents who let their children get away with everything and treat them disrespectfully that often fosters violent behavior. I say KUDOS to you…..I bet he won’t ever hit you again:)

    • I hope not! That sucked! I get that you’re teaching them violence but what if they were violent? I didn’t teach him that. It’s not like I ever punched him in the face!

      Parenting is a personal business and what works for one may not work for another, right?

      • Absolutely! But I don’t even think spanking is “violent” per se….ya know? Beating kids with objects is violent. Spanking is simply getting their attention and letting them know you mean business!!!

    • That’s why it’s so cute to hear women that think they have it all figured out before they give birth. Maybe they’re right, maybe not, but kids are like snowflakes and what one person does may not work with the next child. πŸ™‚

  3. I recall once as an older child, likely 12, I called my mom a bitch and meant it. I never saw the hand that hit me, but when I picked myself up from the floor, I had a great deal more respect for mom than 10 seconds earlier. That’s the only time I recall ever being hit and I learned my lesson well.

    • I’m hoping once will do it. I’m pretty laid back with him. I don’t like having to discipline but I can’t raise a kid that hits out of frustration, either.

      Thank you’d or taking the time to read and comment!

  4. As a mom to two kiddos, both weeks away from their birthdays (3 and 6), I totally agree about parenting being a marathon. My husband and I choose not to spank because we do not believe in physical discipline. I know and love a lot of parents that do spank though. I have to say I have a hard time getting my head around spanking a child when they hit though. Your little boy balled up his fist and hit you. I’ve watched kids do similar things to their parents or other children ever since my kiddos have been little.

    Looking at it from the child’s point of view, they just hit their parent or another child. Then their mom or dad comes over and spanks them. The location might be different, the intent might be different, the force might be different. But still, their mom or dad just hit them for hitting someone else. I’m not trying to start a stupid parenting war, I just don’t understand how that helps the child learn not to hit. It seems counter-intuitive.

    • I understand your points, I truly do. Jp is not a typical kid, though. At all. And he hits me quite frequently honestly. As a person that wouldn’t want to spank, I do my best to work around having to.

      But when your child continues to hit you with more and more force to the point that he leaves a mark on your face after balling up and punching you then you are going to try another tactic. I’m not saying that it’s perfect or that I’m right…I’m open to suggestions as he is my first and only child.

      Though please, bear in mind that he doesn’t understand spoken concepts like other children his age. And time-outs are done in his room (where I was at the time) and can’t be done anywhere else because he goes berserk and won’t sit so that would force me to hold him down…which I am totally against.

      Like I said, I’m not saying that it was the right thing to do, it’s just what I did, and I pride myself (as people that follow me know) on being a no-hold-barred blogger that tells every facet.

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! πŸ™‚

      • Raising an atypical child can’t be easy. Thank you for not taking my comment as an insult. I haven’t had to deal with a lot of what you have described in your blog with my own children. My cousin had extremely premature twins though and I have watched her struggle with discipline very similar to what you describe.

        Her children will be nine this year. She swears by a few things. Trying reward systems, rather than punishments; removing any objects or activities that seem to lead to the child’s agitation; having time-ins/quiet special space. I know that figuring out what caused the anger in the first place helped her a lot.

        She spanked a couple of times but always felt devastated afterward. I know that the twins still struggle but they understand each other better now.

        I certainly don’t have all the answers. I hope that you find the way that works best for your family. πŸ™‚

      • Raising an atypical child is amazing but it kind of means that all of the manuals go out the front window. I do all of the things listed…I’m a psych major lol. I also have read every major parenting book from Raising Your Spirited Child to anything I could get my hands on about Autism. I’m all over it for many, many things. The hitting has been an issue that isn’t resolving. I’m keeping at it. I don’t want to spank as a general but it was a pretty large transgression.

        I hate the first thing you read of mine was this! I’m really a crazy patient and overly versed mom. This is just one I haven’t learned a trick for yet and with my son…it’s all about trial and error to figure out what works. Sometimes you have to just struggle through until you find it.

        πŸ™‚

      • Thank you! And EXACTLY. I know we all struggle, lose our tempers now and then, get frustrated…I just put mine out there so other moms can feel better about it!

        Like, “I fed my child animal crackers for breakfast…don’t you better about yourself as a mom now?!”

        Lol πŸ™‚

  5. In circumstances like this, I think you reacted. Children who have never had a smacked bottom or fingers do not know how much it hurts when they hit someone. It will be interesting to see if/when JP does this again. Now if you’ll excuse me, I just have to remove Just 3’s jocks from his head and his socks from his hands.

  6. We spank – though there’s a difference. My kids are undersensitive to touch, and are constantly seeking any kind of deep pressure stimulation. So, when we spank it isn’t a punishment so much as a call to attention. Stand up and pay attention kid – what you just did is unacceptable and there will be discipline. The spanking doesn’t work as a punishment or deterrent. But it helps to get their attention enough to realize that they’ve gone too far. We set up a list of house rules – we’ve got a big piece of poster board with them pinned up on the wall (although I’m in the middle of editing and duplicating said rules). Those 8 rules are the things you will get a spank for – things that are dangerous, or downright unacceptable in our house. IE: intentional violence, standing/jumping on the furnature (there are just wayyy too many ways for them to get hurt), throwing toys, blocks, etc…
    It happens. Everyone says they won’t do it. And inevitably, most of us realize that parents are people too – and everyone has a limit. You parent the way that works for your child – regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.

    • Truer words were never spoken. And you get me in the “I’ve tried everything and I just got a black eye” department. I mean, it’s nice to use positive reinforcement and I DO for everything, especially language building and social skills, but punching is not in the books. Smacking, lashing out, tantrums, sure…but this kind of rage not so much…. πŸ™‚

  7. I think sometimes people fail to see that there are at least two kinds of spankings, no matter how severe. There’s the “I’m angry because you did something and now you’re going to get it spanking” and then there’s the “You crossed the line, and we have consequences for that” spanking.

    I think even a slight spanking of the first kind can be damaging to the parent/child relationiship and it also trains the child to react in a violent manner. And I think this kind of spanking is the kind that leaves parents, if they have a consciencious, feeling pretty awful.

    The second kind of spanking can be used as training (okay “teaching” if the word training is offensive) a child as to what boundaries are in place and encouraging self-restraint and self-regulation. In our home it means, “That was beyond completely unacceptable, no ifs ands or buts about it.”

    Before we started having more children, my hubby and I said we would reserve spanking for out and out rebellion and disrespect and use other methods for everything else. In other words, pretty much anything short of “I hate you and I’m not going to do what you tell me no matter what you say,” would be dealt with without a spanking. So I’m counting my blessings here, but after collecting 9 children, 6 of them born after we got married, not a single one of them has ever said anything even close to that. But between the 9 of them, they’ve acquired more than a few spankings because as parents we realized that most of the time children are smart enough to mask rebellion and disrespect so it’s not quite so blatant, but it’s still there just the same.

    Early on in my career as a spanker, I started asking myself before any spanking, ” Am I doing this becasue I am mad?” and if I was, I didn’t spank. If after I got over being mad, I still felt the child deserved a spanking, I went through with it. We also try to talk with our child before and after the spanking, making sure they know why they are getting a spanking, what was so wrong about what they did, and why in the grand scheme of things we want them to learn not to do that. I’ve definately had the talk with my kids about the difference between hitting someone and discipline that parents hand out to their children.

    And, yes, even Noah has had a spanking or two. Gasp.

    Blessings,
    Alyson

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: