Oh, you wanna see mamma bear? Done and done.

ImageSo, after yesterday’s first-hand look into what it is like to see Jp in a new environment, I anticipated that the comments about me socializing him being the “fix-all” to all of his social issues being officially put to bed.

Because I am dumb, apparently, and totally bonkers-out-of-my-overly-logical-mind for thinking that it was that easy.

Today Jp and I woke up and went to the pool. Why? Because, as much as water seems to make him anxious, he simply loves going. He asks all of the time, “Swimming?”, even right before he closes his little eyes for bed. It does not hurt that we also have worked out a system for leaving that works nearly flawlessly and involves little to no drama whatsoever and I can get my tan on. Bonus.

When we arrived home, my mother-in-law asked me how it went (probably still gun-shy from yesterday) and I said that it had gone amazingly. He knows the drills and leaves with the ease that comes with knowing the place and having the same exit routine every single time.

Then she said something that infuriated me. Which is rare because the woman truly is a saint. She replied, “Oh, that is probably why [sister-in-law]’s girls were so good. She took them EVERYWHERE all of the time”.

Wha…? Did we not just go through this yesterday? Do you have amnesia? Remember that you could barely handle him in the checkout line of the grocery store for five minutes while I paid? Wait a darn second…DID YOU JUST COMPARE MY CHILD TO MY NIECES? My cute-as-a-button-and-little-perfect-term-baby-genius nieces? Did you just have the audacity to compare my son to children that do not have any developmental delays? Did you DARE insinuate AGAIN that I could change the way he reacts in public if I “took him out more”?!

Before I had a chance to process and calm myself from acting like a total B*&ch to a woman that really did not mean anything by it (she really is an utter sweetheart, honestly, she was probably just thinking aloud and had no idea how I would take it) I had my claws out. Mamma bear was standing in my place in that kitchen and was defending her cub from a perceived threat.

“NO. Jp has problems in new environments because he has developmental delays and anxieties. [Sister-in-law] just has good kids!” I spat out. *Roar!*

She told me that “lots” of kids act like Jp. That is when the lid popped off. Mind you, I have never really gotten mad at my mother-in-law, she is a wonderful woman, but I cannot STAND it when people downplay Jp’s realities. Yes, kids throw tantrums. Jp cannot understand florid verbal explanations so tantrums are more frequent than even your average tantrum-y toddler. Also, he has the tantrums in response to the same thing (leaving anywhere, people leaving, anything that involves separations of any sort) with such consistency that it is impossible for me to think it is a typical “I-want-what-I-want-and-you-won’t-give-it-to-me!” reaction that I see from other children his age. He feels anxious and uncertain. I coax him, I encourage him, and I respect his boundaries even if I cannot see or understand them.

I am not going to start dragging him around like a rag doll and ripping him out of places (which is how he mostly sees it when we leave a place) in the fruitless hopes that maybe, just maybe, he will be “good” like my sister-in-law’s girls.

He is good. He is also wild, crazy, tenderhearted, adorable, and perfect just the way that he is. So, I love you but back off, lady. *ROAR!* The look on her face today was twice as priceless as the one yesterday, I might add. πŸ˜‰

ImageI do not curse often but this was too good!

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Parenting

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Amber Perea View All →

I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

19 Comments Leave a comment

  1. Way to go! I constantly get the “You need to take Aiden out more.” I’m going to have those people take him out so they can see how “easy” it is. Unless you have a child with delays, you don’t understand.

    • She couldn’t handle him yesterday with me! Mind you, I was being intentionally ineffective (lol), but she still thinks its because I need to take him out more.

      The truth is, I take him out pretty frequently. To places he knows and to do things he will enjoy. The last time I took him to run an errand with me (buy one freaking pair of shorts) I had to try them on with one foot on the door so he wouldn’t run out! I mean, really? I need to do that more? Lol πŸ™‚

  2. One of the harder things about this is having to make a clear choice to put your child over extended family. in the past, it was limiting house guests to a 2-night stay. Now it’s telling my father over and over that, no, you can’t come over every afternoon. During school, we’re fighting over homework. Now, my son is done from spending the day at day treatment. Not that my dad is insensitive; he’s just 85 and increasingly forgetful. I have to repeatedly make the choice to put my child over my father. It stinks.

    • It’s hard! I love her and I know she means well but she just has no clue. It’s hard for him, it’s hard for me…why would I intentionally do things that stress him out? When he’s older and has more understanding I will try new things. He always grows. It’s just at his own pace and I wish people understood that.

      Good for you! It’s hard to say no to family but sometimes it has to be done for our kids.

  3. I read an interesting study on the correlation between Autism and GI problems. If you want, I can send it to you. Not that this was on topic πŸ™‚ I just thought of you when I read it.

  4. I hate to sound like I’m taking her side, but although you find it difficult now to take him places, you will eventually find that integration into society is essential, for his sake.
    I felt exactly the way you describe when my autistic son was the same age as yours. And I’m only telling you this because in hindsight I wish I had made more of an effort when he was young enough that he didn’t scare people with his behaviours. Now I find that I’m constantly trying to get him to stop doing the things that he does to calm himself (like stimming and speaking loudly) when, had I started earlier, I might have either been able to control it or at the very least, gotten used to it so that it wouldn’t embarrass me as much now.
    I understand completely the need to choose your battles and take him only where he really wants to go because it’s not worth the fight. I know this feeling completely. But there are ways to get him to go, by giving him other choices, like which shoes to wear or whether to sit in the middle seat in the car or the window seat … which I’m sure you know. It gets harder when they reach 6′ tall. Trust me. You don’t need to start right away. But for your own sake and for his, if you haven’t already, you should consider it.
    Again, I’m sorry if I come across as telling you what to do. I’m only trying to give you the benefit of my all-too-vast-and-never-asked-for experience.

    • No, I appreciate a different opinion. But Jp doesn’t stim or speak loudly or scare people. He is overwrought when separated. It makes him sad, hurts him. I just try to do things in small doses for him in that regard. I don’t want to overwhelm him.

      But the truth is, he goes a ton of places and I make sure of that. Just maybe not as much as your average kid that you can take to run errands without drama. But I don’t keep him home all of the time by any stretch of the means, either. I want him to be around kids and he loves people (maybe too much even) so we do more controlled activities than some but he’s out, I promise.

      I just resent the idea that I can fix him with the magic of more outings. He grows and learns at his own pace and I appreciate and respect that. πŸ™‚

      • I’m so glad you’re still speaking to me! πŸ™‚

        You remind me of a time when my son, Chris, decided he liked everyone so much that every time we took him out to the mall he touched everyone’s bum. I can laugh about it now…

        Regardless of the diagnosis of autism, our kids are individuals, and no one knows them quite like us moms do. But when it comes down to it, they still act their age. Wait ’til puberty! haha

  5. Maybe this will sound bad, but a Part of me loves mama bear moments. Moments when you get to show your love for your child by being able to stand up for them and protect them!!

    Don’t mess with mama bear!! Good job mama! I’d have done the same thing!

  6. I wonder is your mum in law like my mum. When my kids were young and way way way too attached to me,(and they were normal functioning children!) my mum was often critical of me. I used to be so mad at her and often our relationship was fraught. However the funny thing was she drove my brothers and sisters mad saying how wonderful a mother I was. I didn’t find that out until a while after.
    Bottom line you are learning and all our children are the same and yet different. I think you do your best and in time if you are wrong you can change things. He’s only a baby yet and his abilities yet unknown.

    • She always seems to respect me and has never compared my sister and I before (we have wildly different styles and choices) or the kids.

      I think she had no idea how I would take it and just doesn’t understand sensory or anxieties in that way. Which I understand, not everyone does, I jut reacted so quickly!

  7. Someone else comparing your kids to other kids and downplaying “issues” are two things that would bring out the mama bear in anyone!! I have had people act like the food allergy issue was no big deal, and I just want to shake them and say, “Try feeding this kid ONE DAY!!! and then talk to me”. πŸ™‚

    • Right? People always think they know best. Though she’s so nervous around him…I’m like, “how do expect me to do more when you can’t at all?”

      The best “parents” are always the people not going through what you are! πŸ˜‰

    • I gotta stand up for my Jp! No matter who against! I think that thinking he is just “tantruming” makes it seem like he can control it or that the fears and anxieties aren’t founded and I hate that! πŸ™‚

      • Exactly!! Zoey is like that too when she gets into a sensory overload meltdown. My MIL tells me “Well maybe you should just let her try and fail.” Seriously? My 2 year old? Who currently feels like she’s being tortured?! ROAR!!

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