It feels extraordinarily strange to be sitting here listening to the tap, tap, tapping of the keys as I type this right now. Perhaps that is because I haven’t sat down to type anything longer than the Google Search bar in a long, loooooong time. So long, in fact, that I actually thought my account might very well have been deactivated. My nearly year-long blog…gone for a lack of love and inspiration.
Wait. Scratch that. That is a total lie. I was inspired plenty. Life is full of assholes to write about and Jp has become a tiny little (very different) man nearly overnight. I’ve had some epic fights with my husband, lost a friend or two (this IS me that we are talking about) and seen a few good movies. There has certainly been inspiration.
Just ZERO perspiration. Or whatever that old cliche was babbling about.
I haven’t been that busy. I only work part-time now and it’s a very manageable gig these days since my friend is full in the throes of Chemo and she prefers the quiet solitude of having the boys at my house (which I prefer so I can spoil them rotten with sugary treats and too much television like I do my own son). Yet I haven’t blogged in months.
I think part of it was the fact that my blog was getting (minorly, at best, but we all know how I like to exaggerate my own self-importance) bigger and I felt all of this pressure to make it better– more interesting, more thoughtfully edited, more everything. It felt like a chore. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up. I mean, I was still seething about Freshly Pressed never giving me the ol’ heads up and I just started to feel like I didn’t have squat that was left to say anymore. Nothing that I hadn’t touched on or babbled about and I didn’t want it to turn into a “diary blog” (which is what I call blogs where people talk about the monotony that is life constantly almost like they are writing a diary post. Seriously, I live the mundane DAILY. I don’t want to read about it, too, Right? Right? Only me?)
But the truth is…
There is no truth. No big “thing”; no grand epiphany. I didn’t have a good reason for leaving and even less for coming back. I can’t say that I won’t disappear for weeks on end, either. I make no promises. The only promise I CAN make is that I won’t be editing until my eyes bleed anymore…so I apologize in advance for the haphazard posts that would make every English professor that ever taught me cringe and weep.
I just thought that if I had to make a New Year’s resolution that it should be to do something (never quit something. I like my vices very much, thank you) more that I loved or that brought me a lot of happiness. Which, before I ruined it by over-thinking the whole thing, was blogging. I was proud of it, it made me feel smarter, more accomplished, and more connected to other grown-ups (mom thing, obviously).
So, here I am, again. I hope some of the original people that I came in with, followed, or kept in great touch with before I became a Super Flake Deluxe are still around. I’d love to hear from y’all.
And since I missed them….
Happy New Year!
I'm just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.