I got a notification in my inbox a few weeks ago about a blog that I used to keep up. A blog that I slaved and labored over for two years. This blog. A tool that helped me process my son’s developmental delays and my husband’s reluctance to discuss any of what we were going through while I spent every available moment scouring milestone charts and symptom lists.
This blog was my only friend and it helped me find a support system, some of who I am still friends with today.
So as I sat there staring at the innocuous notification of the two year anniversary of the day that I closed my laptop and never opened it again (figuratively, of course, that would just be strange), it brought up a lot of feelings. Should I erase it? Print it all out and bind it? What? It seemed like such a strange thing to do with something that I was passionate about for TWO YEARS. Just a click of a button and all of my blood, sweat, and tears for over 700 days would be erased. All of the pain and antecdotes and triumphs…all gone. Like it never happened.
It was just too sad to bear.
I spent hours pouring over every post, a lot of the time in hopes of being Freshly Pressed (which never came to fruition, obviously), sometimes in the hopes of bringing a laugh, other times with tears streaming down my face and onto the keyboard, but all of them crafted from a place of utter self. How could I ever just erase such a thing?
But then I thought, only for a moment, that maybe I would enjoy it again. I don’t even feel like the same person I was two years ago…so much has happened, so much has changed. And not all for the better. Truthfully, I have had some extreme life changes and maybe, just maybe, the notification is telling me that I need to try and dive back in. I certainly don’t remember my one year notification, but this one sat there in my inbox staring at me and willing me to open it. So here I am.
I considered changing everything– the title, the tag, the format…all of it. A different theme for a different mindset. But I can barely navigate the customizer screen now. How did I used to be so adept at this madness?! Maybe I still will, after a YouTube refresher course (or two) but for now it’s fine. I’ll just let the inner monologue loose on the interwebs again and try not to get too wrapped up in the stats and accolades this time. ‘Try’ being the optimum word. But lord knows I don’t have the same amount of time to fuss over the grammar intricicacies like I did when I was a stay at home mom so maybe I will just close the metaphoric laptop after today but I must admit…it does feel good to let my fingers wander the keyboard with purpose again.
And now I wait and see.
I’m just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.