The story of the chicken cutlets: How getting knocked up ruined my self esteem…
Being a woman that has always been very thin (hey, put down the pitchforks, ladies, I have my “stuff”, I promise) I have always been a little ‘light in the cups’ if you know what I mean. I was a dancer so it suited me and growing up, I just told myself that I was proportionate so it all worked out. I wore all of the cute tops regardless, feeling that my true soul mate would just have to be a butt man.
Them’s the breaks, kid. You can’t have it all.
Then, one day, I looked down at the girls in a shirt I never quite filled out and realized that it looked…pretty spectacular. Four days later I created a plus sign on a stick. For the rest of my pregnancy they just became bigger and bigger and I fell more and more in love with them.
They were glorious! I used to (I can’t make this up) bounce up and down in front of my husband exclaiming, “Just look at them bounce! Amazing!”, an a daily basis. This may seem strange to all of my well endowed counterparts but when you are someone that has never been graced with the joy of super bouncy fun bags…it’s like getting a new and fantastic toy. It’s tricky showing those puppies off as you gain weight in the midsection but I managed.
Hey, I never said I wasn’t a little white trash, here.
Then, as quickly and magically as they came into my life, they were gone. The moment the hormones shifted back into their rightful categories, along with them went the big, beautiful breastis’s that came with them.
Oh, the agony!
For you men out there, it’s like you get a new car. Maybe that sports car or big, powerful truck that you always wanted. Sure, you were fine with your Hyundai for years, it got great gas mileage and was super reliable, but once you drive that dream car (with all the horsepower and pizazz)…your Hyundai now looks like a dumpy piece of crap that you can’t believe that you ever liked in the first place. Then someone just shows up in the middle of the night and takes your dream car right out of your driveway while you are sleeping.
That’s what it feels like.
Of course, I could purchase my dream tits for the low, low price of more-money-than-I-could-ever-justify-spending-on-myself-EVER but in reality, that will never happen. So then I was stuck with the old boobs that, all of the sudden, just weren’t good enough anymore.
What to do, what to do?
So I went out on a search of cost effective methods for making myself look and feel better. Which, if this whole subject is new to you…is pretty much like throwing rims and a cheap custom paint job on a Hyundai. You can pretend it’s a sport’s car, but under all of that chrome and sparkle paint, it’s still a piece of junk. But, hey, I’m married so the worry of having to explain them when the bra comes off isn’t really an issue, right?
Plus, as predicted, my husband is a butt man, so he just thinks I’m a loony tunes female for being a grown woman that stuffs her bra, but loves me anyway.
Shut up, Willy Wonka! So I came across these little gems….
Which are appropriately named Chicken Cutlets (ingest at your own risk) and actually work quite nicely if you can get past the idea that you feel like this…
When what I really need to do is go back to being like this…
Okay, so I am no Kiera Knightly, but I have to say that I did okay back in my hay day. Darn you, pregnancy, for giving me something that I couldn’t keep! Though, on second thought, maybe that wasn’t so bad of a trade to get rid of the crazy pants hormones that made me cry in a gas station because the Slurpee machine was out of order (true story).
Or the leg cramps that kept me awake most of the night.
Or the shopping for new clothes that you will never fit into again while crying about the size on the tag.
Or the waddling around like you are auditioning for Happy Feet.
Or the heartburn from anything but water (give me a break, it’s a carrot stick, for goodness sake!)
Yes, sometimes it’s better to just let go of the past. And get yourself a really nice set of chicken cutlets. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know. 😉
Photo Credits:
Parenting boobs chicken cutlets flat chested funny humor moms motherhood parenting pregnancy stuffing your bra
Three Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest 
Ya know, you could just get knocked up again – they’ll come right back. Mine did – all 7 times! 🙂 (It’s a good thing I enjoy spit-up and getting up all hours of the night and washing baby clothes and fun stuff like that.)
It took us awhile to get pregnant with Jp (which was nothing short of a miracle) so we don’t know if it’s possible but you never know what life may bring you!
Holy crap!! Lol.
HAHAHAHAAHAAAH,,,this is one funny post…whew..thanks for the laugh..
Thank you! It you can’t laugh at yourself then you have no business laughing at others (which is my other favorite pastime). 😉
That is so true…we are our own entertainment…lol
For me it was my hair… It was nice and full and shiny while I was pregnant and then when I had my first son half of it fell out. It’s never really grown back.
Boooo! When I was pregnant my hair grew like a weed and I had to get a haircut every three weeks. Now it is back to two, maybe three, times a year. Thank goodness! 😉
Could be your sister here. My own sister is even worse than me. She was sunbathing topless on holiday one year and some smartass passed her and said, “Excuse me did you get stung by a bee?”, referring to her nipples! It gets worse, she had breast cancer a few years ago. Her surgeon was speaking of reconstruction after and examining her he said, “what size would you like to be, because lets face it no one should be this small!”.
Aw, that’s so mean! I’m sorry to hear about her illness, though, and glad that she made it through!
Sometimes you need to be reminded that it could always be worse.
I feel your pain. I waited patiently through puberty for breasts that never came. Then I was pregnant and breastfed and got real big ones, that disappeared when I stopped nursing. Then I had two more children and they got even bigger and now I am back down to my normal thin self and oddly enough, even though I could still stand to lose some weight in the hips and thighs, it keeps coming off my breasts and now I have three bellybuttons
Lol My mom had bigger ones than me and always told me that she didn’t have any until she got pregnant so a part of me genuinely thought I got to keep them!
Sad days…. 🙂
I don’t know if it is true or not but in my crowd the girls that didn’t breastfeed got to keep their new bigger boobs while the tree huggers such as myself got to keep the skin of the bigger boobs but not the boob itself. I could roll mine into my bra like it was a gym sock
I could be an exception but because Jp was in the NicU I had proximity issues and never breast fed. I pumped until I ran dry which was less than two weeks. And watched them shrink every day! 😉
It’s cruel. I don’t have extra income for boobies , but I’ve thought about it. If I could just put some of the fat from my ass towards my chest, it would be all good lol
Yeah, it would never happen but I do look at the fake ones like a kid drooling over a candy shop window!
It’s just the cutlets for me but they at least make me feel more womanly! It’s tough being so small in a world where the fake ones are everywhere. I wish it was still like the 80’s when it was acceptable and still hot even to rock the littles with pride. 🙂
I, too, “developed” late due to hormones. 14 months later when I weaned Stella, they looked like soulless chicken cutlets. I shudder to think what nursing Felix is going to do. Sigh.
My kids ruined my wife’s awesome boobs. They’re still nice and all, but less perky or something. I better stop before she kicks my ass. Lol.
Stop. Walk away. Pretend you never said it.
Deny, deny, deny. 😉
My main squeeze is a lover of bottoms. I have more ass than class, put it that way.
Lol that is awesome. 🙂
This is totally me too.
Lol isn’t there some kind of committee…
I love looking through a post that can make people think.
Also, thanks for allowing for me to comment!